Some perspective..

So things have progressed decently over the past couple of weeks. Even though our schedules conflict so much that I haven't been able to see him, we text and talk enough to make up for the lack of contact.

Even still, I manage to worry. The littlest things make me doubt the veracity of the situation. Does he actually like me? Is this going to go anywhere? Is it possible that he's married? Thursday night we texted and planned on meeting. He was incredibly sweet with the things he said, but then stopped returning my texts after a certain point. The next day he told me he'd gotten incredibly drunk and had passed out. I guess it could be true. Things happen. Of course, then we get into whether or not this is a normal thing for him. What does this mean about the person he is? Everything I've known about him has been positive and, therefore, sort of boring, so finding a negative was like stumbling across an oil field in your backyard. What can I learn about him from this?! 

Tonight was a slow night for the restaurant, which makes it worse for me. I wander around trying to find something to do and my mind wanders to how much I'd love to be talking or hanging out with him. I start thinking out the various unknowns, which are plenty, and begin to freak out about them. Although I made a pact with myself not to bother him during the weekend because he has his kids, I come up with a simple message to send and then agonize over why he hasn't returned it (because he's with his kids).Okay, maybe I'm not so bad, but I find myself creeping over that side of obsessive.

Towards the end of the night one of my servers asked for permission for one of their tables to hang around until the game was over. The restaurant closed at 9pm, but the bar would be open until after the game ended and they just wanted to sit in the middle of the tables until then. It turns out that the young woman at the table was going in for a full bone marrow transplant on Wednesday. On Wednesday she would find out if she would live or die. Tonight was probably her last night to enjoy a beer (dietary restrictions post-surgery??). And yet I was wandering around worrying about a stupid boy I've only recently begun to get to know.

It's such a blessing to be able to worry about stupid things. It's nice that the biggest issue in my mind is something ridiculous that I can turn around and make fun of myself for. I'm able to get to sleep at night because there are no real issues bouncing around in my head, causing me stress and keeping me awake. This girl is having to deal with mortality. She's young, around my age, and she's possibly having her last beer and last hang-out time with her friends tonight. The only last I have to deal with is "this is my last doughnut...", sort of petty thing.

My life isn't all that simple or uncomplicated, but it might as well be. I have a million things to be thankful for and continually find myself bunching up on the few tiny negative things... All I need is a little perspective.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the girl who's life will be determined by Wednesday.

The biggest dork ever..

All I can do right now is breathe deeply and suppress the intense urge to burst out laughing or to vomit.

I am the biggest dork in the world! There were a million other titles I thought I'd earn in my lifetime, but I never saw this one coming. Seriously: THE. BIGGEST. DORK. EVER.

I went out with a guy I'd been emailing for two weeks and had a great time-- other than the fact that I was so nervous and awkward I couldn't recognize myself. As soon as I saw him I knew he was someone worth getting to know-- this is not to be confused with "The One", more like "The Potential One". Suddenly I became frozen, completely gripped by the giant hand of Fear, which was a good thing because I would've turned and run the other direction if my feet were able to move. He is funny and successful, laid-back, and said things about his kids that made me adore them without even meeting them. Sometimes you have to see someone love someone else before you realize how valuable they are. Being a dad looked really good on him... I, on the other hand, could only make fun of myself and make wooden jokes and comments. I had a ton of questions for him, but none of the good answers. There was no way this was going to lead to a second date.

The next day I let it be known that I had a great time and was interested in seeing him again. He agreed, but didn't say when. Then several days passed by without a word. He's extremely busy, especially right now and our two weeks of conversations had a lot of empty space between emails, so I wasn't worried. By Sunday I wrote him a quick note asking if he'd like to do something later this week.

An hour passed.... no response.

Ten hours... nothing.

By 9:30am the next morning (today) I knew why he wasn't answering. No big deal, that's why meeting online can be easier than trying to date people you know- they're easier to walk away from. I sent him a nice email explaining that I understood and wished him well. South Austin's small and I didn't want him diving behind a food rack should we end up in the same aisle in a grocery store.

I didn't take my phone to work because I knew I'd check my phone every two minutes in case of a response (just in case I'd misunderstood the lack of an answer and he really did want to go out again). Monday is my long day and I finally made it home after 12 hours for just enough time to let my dog use the restroom and return to work. My phone was blinking and I realized he'd responded.

Happy Day!!! He DOES want to get to know me!! I couldn't stop grinning as I ran to the field with my dog, gripping my phone in my hand so I could read the email out in the pasture while my dog ran around.

His email started out with shock, but not the kind that said I'd misunderstood and everything was going to be okay. He said he'd had a great time, but understood if I was looking for someone else and then wished me well. He somehow got the idea that I was mad and had given up on him. WHAT?

I couldn't write him back fast enough.. but what do you say? How do you explain that from the moment you pushed the "send" button to ask him out on Sunday to the moment you pushed it again Monday morning, you'd been counting the minutes and agonizing over every detail of the date: the voice inflections, the facial expression, how close he stood, his responses to my jokes.. just to know if he was simply busy and not able to respond or if this was his way of saying he wasn't interested.

It sounds crazy... maybe because it is. You can't tell a guy you barely know that and then ask him to go out with you again. But I did, as cooly as possible and less detail- I couldn't help it. So now, I wait and hope and pray that maybe, just maybe he'll read my email with a sense of humor and mercy and will contact me.

Of course, for us to be anything to each other in the future, he'll have to have a big sense of humor and a large amount of mercy for my many gaffes, so maybe this is a good thing. There.. I'll focus on that.

Ugh! I have no patience.

Free at last!

A year ago, I was miserable and didn't even know it. It's funny how you can't see things when you're in the midst of them, but later can look back and see how far gone you were.

I worked all the time at a failing restaurant with no money and no supervision. Things were falling apart all the time, but we could do little more than try to Texas engineer it back together. When the VP of the company took me aside and told me the restaurant would close in three weeks, I was devastated. My little store was being put to rest without a fight. How could we thrive when our keg cooler wouldn't keep the beer cold?

Those three weeks were painful. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what was going on, but I still had to prepare to close the store. My servers thought we were finally being remodeled because the new investor who was changing it into another store kept meeting with his design crew in the restaurant and measured things. Finally some of the guests told some of my employees about us closing and everything came out in an incredibly painful manner.

Right after the store closed, my roommate/supervisor/best friend decided we had nothing in common and didn't need to be friends. Looking back I can see this was a long time coming, but since we were tied together with the store he didn't want to mess things up by kicking me out. All I had seen were the good things broken up by times when he was mad at me. Now there was nothing he needed me for-- I had been transferred to work for the rival supervisor and was no longer his employee.

Suddenly my friend became the cruel person he'd always told me he was. He woke me up by banging on my door in the middle of the night several times, yelling about dog toys in the backyard or about suspicions he had of me telling his secrets to my new boss. Totally unfounded, untrue, and neurotic. It was crazy. Then he hurt my dog and I called my new supervisor to get a loan so I could move out immediately.

I moved by myself to the third floor of a decent place to live. I didn't (don't) have anything other than a bed, a desk, and a chair, so it wasn't difficult, but it was lonely. I threw myself into my job, but only on the surface. It was like I'd put a tourniquette on all the wounded parts, let it go numb, and pretended nothing had happened.

Gradually I got over it. I don't really know when it happened, but one day I realized how happy I was. I lost 50 lbs in a short amount of time, by not following my horrible eating habits of the past. I guess not having so much stress meant I didn't gain weight so easily? I don't know, but suddenly my perspective of myself changed and things have improved immensely. I'm starting to get my finances in order after a year of crazy changes and very little money.

Do I miss my former roommate/supervisor/best friend? Nope. Not in the least. Looking back it was a crazy roller coaster ride that I should've gotten off long long ago. Of course, if I had I wouldn't be where I am now with the appreciation for what I have, so maybe everything happens for a reason. I hope all of you are well!

A friend once told me that you can't help whom you love. Maybe it's emotions or chemistry, or maybe just fate, but the brain has very little to do with it. He said this during an incredibly illicit and illogical affair which caused all kinds of trouble for the people around them, plenty of heartache, and didn't last more than a year.

I myself am continually drawn to the potentially bad guys. A lot of girls say the same thing after a guy they're dating breaks up with them for someone else or isn't as supportive as they'd like him to be, but I am the sort of girl who doesn't fall for a guy until he does something slightly selfish or mean. I've had enough experience with these guys as friends to know they are toxic to my health, but it never fails-- one overtly-honest joke and I'm a fish caught on a lure- logic has no hold on me.

My best friend of four years, you know, the best friend/supervisor/roommate I continually talked about, was one of these guys. He decided we didn't need to be friends once my restaurant closed. I've since moved out and haven't talked to him in months.

Maybe it was this lonely environment or my preconditioning, but I soon met the guy I'm in the process of dating. At this point I should really make it known that he's not a bad guy at all, just someone who has to deal with everything I've developed dealing with everyone else. I feel like a kid who has had to redo the same math problem over and over to the point that I can't tell the difference between my current pencil lines and the marks I've erased. Am I treating him a certain way because of something someone else did? Most likely. Is this affecting our relationship-- without a doubt. 

Last night we had a big argument which was exacerbated by my inability to walk away and let him get over it. In my experience they don't come back if I let them walk away angry, so I stand there trying to talk it out until everything is resolved and it feels like it's going to be okay. Unfortunately this tends to make the situation worse, but even knowing this I can't let it go. It's morning, and since we didn't get to get to the "it's going to be okay" part and I have no history with him to build on, all I want to do is call him... I have to work and all I can think about is what I need to do...

I certainly hope this sort of thing gets better in the future... maybe this is why people get married: the threat of divorce bills force them to work things out rather than run away.

YAY!

While the final decision has yet to be made and important people have yet to be told, I'm at the top of the short list for a management position at what will be K24 (looks like K to the 24th power). It will be a 24-hour diner with more of an emphasis on chef inspired cuisine and waitstaff, wine pairing and local ingredients... it's exactly what I wanted my next step to be! Nothing's set in stone, so I shouldn't get ahead of myself, but I hope I get to work here.

On the other hand, if they decide that I'm not exactly what they're looking for or someone else is better for the position, I can't really complain. I already have a job lined up where I will only work my assigned shifts and follow a management checklist to get things done. It will be incredibly simple, but I'll finally be able to focus on having a life outside of Waterloo..

I'm decently excited about either possibility.